Worry

Matthew 6:25 Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life…

Matthew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

My pastor just started a new sermon series called “Worried? Trusting God Through Tough Times”. Do I ever need this! I am facing deployment #2 with my son and am honestly not handling it as well this time around. I didn’t know what to expect during his first deployment. Now I do. I know what lies before him. I know what he has already seen and experienced and how that has forever affected him. How could it not?!?! I know the demons he will battle both on the frontlines and within. I tell myself that he has a good strong foundation but I know how all this has already made him lose sight of God at times. He has already had several “close calls”. I tease him that he is like a cat and on life #4 right now!

I don’t think I was a worrier or anxious type until I became a parent. After that I questioned, second guessed and over analyzed everything. I still do. It consumes me at times. God trusted me with three of his children and I don’t won’t to mess that up. I also have a control freak problem and military life is something that is definitely out of my control. Being a military mom takes worry and anxiety to a whole new level. I am still struggling almost three years later.

My pastor said that worry is the tolerated sin of the church. Without worry, we wouldn’t have prayer requests. True. I know I have so many people praying for me. I am thankful that they pray for me. Those prayers lift me up on days when I am struggling to stay afloat.

One of the key points to the sermon yesterday was trusting God completely – I will look, I will wait and my God will. So in saying all this and knowing that my God will, my “resolution” for 2018 is my overall mental health, not letting worry or anxiety consume me. I will put more trust in God and less worry on myself, turning all my fears and anxiety over to him, becoming emotionally stronger. I will do this by digging deeper into his word and his promises. I will do daily devotionals and prayer. I would also like to make more time to journal/blog, put my feelings out there for others and maybe help them gain strength through my weakness. So stay tuned friends and let’s see if I concur the Army roller coaster in 2018.

Tears

I think many of us look at tears as a sign of weakness. I look at it completely opposite; I see it as we have been strong for too long. We all have our breaking point. Sometimes I cry out to God in prayer. My heart will feel so overwhelmed that I don’t even know how or where to begin to pray. God knows our sorrows when we can’t even speak to him. Ain’t that great? He knows my sadness. He knows my worries. He also knows my happiness. Who says we only have to cry because of sad things? God knows my heart. He knows every single tear I have ever cried. Who do you turn to when you want to cry?

Countdowns

For the most part, countdowns are something I enjoy. It is a constant in a military family. In saying that, countdowns can also be something I loathe.

Right now, I am counting down the weeks until my son is back on US soil. What began as many months ago is now down to just a few short weeks which I can easily convert over to days. I will soon be able to convert those days into hours and hours into minutes.

How lucky are we to have something to look forward to? To have someone to love or something that excites us. If it’s not a homecoming, maybe it is the excitement of a new relationship. Or maybe it is even a long distance relationship and you are counting down the days til you can see your significant other again. Maybe it is a much needed vacation. Or maybe it’s simply a holiday.

Deployments suck but I can only imagine how bittersweet and amazing the homecoming will be. I’m counting it down. I feel like a kid again counting down to Christmas!

 

 

Overwhelmed

Psalm 61:2 when my heart is overwhelmed lead me the rock that is higher than I

I know I have a previous blog in which I talk about the strength of a military mom. Well, I ain’t feeling it the past couple of days. I feel like I have been cursed, jinxed, hexed. If it could go wrong, it has went wrong. I feel like I am close to my breaking point.  I have cried and prayed and cried and prayed some more. My kids have gotten use to me crying I think; this deployment has brought out the worse in me.

It doesn’t help that my person is 4100 miles away right now. Do you know what I mean when I say “my person”? Grey’s Anatomy…Meredith and Christina. I am lucky to have that one true friend. She’ll be boarding a plane home in 3 more hours. Bless her, she has no idea the mess of me she is coming back to!

My blog name says it all right now…hurry up and wait. Thank you US Army for always keeping me on my toes, for the sleepless nights, for never allowing definite plans and always changing the date just when they’re almost close enough to feel.

Night to Shine

 

Matthew 5:16 Let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your father who is in heaven

When you hear the name Tim Tebow, what comes to mind? Football? Handsome looks? Tebowing? Author? Christian? I see what I would call the total package…looks, athleticism, driven with a good work ethic regardless of obstacles, has the heart to serve others and the Lord and who is not ashamed of his faith and beliefs.

Last night, I had the privilege to volunteer at my church. My church was one of the 375 host churches across the world for Tim Tebow’s Night to Shine. His foundation began this in 2015. This is a prom for those with special needs, those who are typically overlooked and forgotten. At the end of the night, they were all crowned kings and queens.

Words can not describe the blessing I received. My heart is full. I was able to slow down from life for just a few hours and see the world in a whole new way. These people were all smiles the whole night…from the moment they walked in on the red carpet in their formal to semi formal dresses or suits and tuxedos to the end of the night when they walked across the stage and were crowned queens or kings. Once there, our buddy was able to go to different stations such as getting hair, makeup and nails done or shoe shining. They were able to have formal prom pictures made. We had limo rides, horse drawn carriage rides and a Dodge Viper in addition to dinner and dancing. They received a special bag at the end of the night filled with surprise goodies. I can honestly say last night was better than I remember my own prom ever being!

My “buddy” was named Jessica. I honestly don’t know what her “issues” were. I never asked. I didn’t care. All I cared about was making her night special. I knew within seconds of meeting her that she was the life of the party. I felt like I was with the popular kid in high school who knew everyone because she knew everyone! She was full of smiles, hugs and high fives. She loved to dance and said she was going to teach me how to have rhythm. She looked beautiful in her purple dress (which is my favorite color by the way). We both took our first ride in a limo together. She loved us taking selfies and knowing I was going to post on social media. She cheered and clapped for everyone as they walked across the stage at the end of the night. I can only hope that Jessica’s night was as special as mine.

If you have never taken the time to volunteer or somehow give back to others, please do so. There are many types of spiritual gifts and God gives us all at least one to use to serve him. We just have to first find it and then make the time to use it. Slow down. Life goes on. Let your light shine so that others may see God in you.

 

 

 

Staying Afloat

Psalm 105:4 Seek the Lord and his strength, seek his presence continually.

I can honestly say I could not have made it through the past 6-9 months without God. I start my day off with a devotional and typically end with one as well. We feed and nourish our body daily, and we need to do the same for our soul. I’m still not where I want to be in my walk with the Lord, but I’m also not where I once was.

It is hard to believe that 18mths has passed since I began this whole Army Mom experience. Letting my child go was one of the hardest things I have ever done. In the beginning I did not know how I was going to survive the next day missing my first child, much less the weeks and months ahead. But here I am now, stronger than ever. I survived days, weeks and months without seeing him during BCT/OSUT and now I have almost survived the same as we are almost done with our first deployment. It has been a long nine months. I think that we as humans believe we only “grow” as a child, but I have grown so much since starting this military Mom journey.

I have grown closer to God as well learned more about myself and my strength. In these 18mths, I have prayed more prayers and yes shed more tears than the first 18yrs of his life. I have learned to trust God and his plan for my son. That was something I really struggled with in the beginning because I had controlled so much of my son’s life for so long and of course this was not the path I would choose for him. My uncle, who is a retired Army Chaplain, reminded me that only Jesus’ blood is stronger than a mothers tears. I have reminded myself of his words often. I know that God has his loving arms around my son and is he protecting him. I also know God gives us certain situations to draw us closer to him, and I believe being an Army Mom was mine. There were many days that I felt like I was sinking; days that I didn’t want to work having deal with people yet still acting like I care, days that I wanted to just lock myself in the bedroom and forget about life going on outside, days I didn’t think I had anymore tears to shed but trusting in God and praying through kept me afloat on those trying days.

My strength also came from the people God placed in my life. My family, especially my other boys who I knew still needed a mother. My friends who allowed me to vent and cry and gave me reasons to smile on my “off” days. My church family and prayer warriors who prayed when I couldn’t. My work family who was understanding of my moods and also my prayer warriors. Plus, I have a great group of friends who are also military moms who know exactly what I am feeling because I’m sorry, military life is just different.

I’m not a strong swimmer in real life, but I’m thankful I am a strong woman who can stay afloat no matter what life throws at her. I didn’t know that months ago, but I do now.

Here is a poem that I came across that I think perfectly describes the strength of a military mom. I am thankful God chose me to be an Army Mom.

Making of a Military Mom
When the good Lord was creating mothers, he was into his fifth day of overtime.
An angel appeared and said, “You’re having a lot of trouble with this one. Why not use the standard model?”

And the Lord replied, “Have you seen the specifications on this order? Give birth to a child that will become one of my warriors; install values of duty, honor, and country into them from birth while teaching them to be compassionate and loving; safeguard this treasure through flu, sickness, cuts and scrapes knowing that she can’t be with them when country calls; embrace them but let go of her precious gift to perfect strangers; brighten their day when all seems confused not knowing the pain they are enduring; have the patience of a saint when waiting for them to return home; and have two sets of shoulders to handle the weight of both love and uncertainty.”

The angel shrugged slowly looking down and said, “two sets of shoulders… no way!”

And the Lord answered, ”Don’t worry, we’ll make other military mothers to help carry the burden. Besides it’s not the shoulders that are causing the problem, it’s the heart. It must swell with pride, sustain the ache of separation, beat on steadily when it’s too worried to do so and be large enough to say, “I Understand” when it doesn’t.

“Lord,” said the angel, touching his sleeve gently. “Come to bed… finish this tomorrow!”

“I can’t,” said the Lord. ”I’m so close to creating something special and unique. Already I have one who heals herself from within; can send joy a thousand miles away in just a small box; able to cheer them up with one phone call and can wave good-bye from a pier, a car or off a runway and understand that it is important to her country that they leave.”

The angel circled the model of the military mother very slowly. “It’s too soft,” she sighed.

“But tough,” said the Lord excitedly. “You cannot imagine what this woman can do or endure.”

“Can it think?”

“Can it think? It can home school if need be”

Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. “There’s a leak,” she pronounced. “I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model.”

“It’s not a leak,” said the Lord. “It’s a tear.”

“What’s it for?” asked the angel.

“It’s for joy. Sadness. Disappointment. Pain, loneliness and pride!”

“You are a genius,” sighed the angel.

The Lord looked somber and replied, “I didn’t put it there.

Author Unknown
Via Operation Ooh-Rah (http://www.facebook.com/pages/Operation-Ooh-Rah/

Pity Party

Today has been a tough day. For the most part I have had a good couple of weeks. We finally got an address for him as well as link to his company in which pictures are uploaded weekly of their training. I have felt a little more connected to him again…finally! But today, I am seeing so many friends on Facebook post about their kid being in for the weekend or meeting up with them to enjoy opening day of college football season together and I am sitting at home jealous. For seventeen years I mentally prepared myself to let him go off to college, not the military. I can’t text him whenever just to say “hello” or “miss you”. I can’t call him to see how his day has been and he can’t call and let me know he has had a rough day and needs a pep talk or just some advice from mom. I can’t meet him halfway for dinner on the weekends just for some family time together. Military families truly do sacrifice in ways that others just don’t understand. I would love to cook him a meal. As much as I hate doing laundry, I would love to be scrubbing stains off his jeans from fishing or helping a buddy work on a truck. Heck, I would love to fuss at him for something! Most of all, this mom just needs a hug from her kid.

I have decided to start a blog to document this whole “Army Mom” experience. I have had many tell me that thanks to social media, they feel like they are on this journey with me. I hope this will be an outlet for me plus help other military families on this emotional roller coaster ride. So strap yourself in and hurry up and wait with me!

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Happy blogging!